How to Deal with Loneliness in Aging

About 40 percent of people in America age 50 and up say they feel lonely. Here’s how you can deal with loneliness or how you can help a loved one. 

When the Beatles sang, “All the lonely people. Where do they all come from?” in 1966, they asked an important question. Loneliness is far too common and very bad for you, increasing your chances of dementia, recurrent stroke, obesity, and dying young.

When you’re lonely, you tend to think that other people aren’t, that you’re the only one, and it’s entirely your fault. But loneliness has a great deal to do with American society. In one large survey of Americans age 50 and up, nearly 40 percent said they felt lonely, even though most of them didn’t live alone.

In a previous study, lonely elders had nearly a 60 percent greater risk of losing the ability to function on their own. In other research, loneliness is a greater threat to your life than obesity. That makes sense if you realize that chronic loneliness raises your body’s level of cortisol, the stress hormone, and can raise blood pressure. Dealing with loneliness day to day becomes a physical burden.

YOUR MIGHT ALSO LIKE: Our Healthy Aging section

Depression and loneliness are not the same. A depressed person might have little interest in communicating or spending time with other people. A lonely person may withdraw but perk up when she gets attention. Lonely people may feel better sitting in a coffee shop, while a depressed person might not.

If you feel isolated, go out. If you’re lonely, talk to someone. But knowing how to deal with loneliness isn’t obvious as soon as you begin to blame yourself. People come to doubt their social skills — and they feel rejected whenever someone they’d like to talk to doesn’t respond. They may become irritable and drive people away or focus on perceived slights.

People who don’t know how to deal with loneliness may end up drinking too much alcohol, binge eating, or overspending. They may cling to unhappy friendships and romantic relationships.

How to deal with loneliness

Notice when you’ve been lonely in the past. If you know that weekends or holidays alone make you sink, plan ahead. Find activities you enjoy and cultivate hobbies. Many people link going out with company — but you may feel better eating in a restaurant alone or going to a movie in a theater rather than eating dinner and watching TV at home. Some people find that they prefer traveling alone because they are more likely to strike up conversations.

If you’re getting nervous about an unplanned Saturday night, come up with your own plan, even if it’s a plan for your night at home. What movie would you like to watch? What book would you love to read?

Try writing down the thoughts you have most often when you’re lonely:

• I will always be alone.
• If I am alone, I have to feel lonely and unhappy.
• I must be a loser because I am alone.
• I can’t stand feeling lonely.

Those thoughts are common, but they aren’t helpful or true. You aren’t always alone; you are alone now, but you can probably be with other people soon. View time alone as an opportunity to please yourself. 

When you feel like a “loser,” remember that many people are lonely sometimes and that your circumstances can change. Remind yourself that loneliness is an emotion; like other emotions, it will pass.

It’s easy to think you need other people to accept you and see you kindly, but you can practice being kind to yourself. Think about what would make you happiest. You might find you can give it to yourself.

Embrace pets, do volunteer work, and make plans to connect with people in your social circle, even on social media.

Helping a loved one deal with loneliness in aging

Families might look for ways to share living space while preserving privacy. Setting ground rules can help a great deal, especially if you can afford separate bathrooms and sometimes entrances and kitchens. Remodel a basement or put in a comfortable living area above a garage. It might work for an adult grandchild to live with a grandparent rather than roommates.

But there are simpler solutions. Many older adults need help finding transportation. Once they can no longer drive at night or on unfamiliar routes, they may not take the next step of finding public transportation. You might set up an account with a call-in taxi service and pay the bills, encouraging your parent not to count pennies. You can also find a local driver your parent likes and set up regular pickups for scheduled activities.

Older people may need encouragement to regularly check Facebook and other social media sites where they can read about the activities of family and friends and see photos. That’s not the same as being together in person, but it’s better than not hearing any news. Set up accounts and good earphones so they can make free video calls.

Most older people have significant hearing loss. Make sure your loved one maintains and uses hearing aids. Exercise is also a necessary mood booster and can be a time for socializing. Encourage your loved one to join a walking group or take a dance or yoga class or swim at a gym where she knows other people.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: Staying Socially Active as You Age