A Troubled Relationship Is Hard on New Mothers

If you’re in a troubled romantic relationship, you are more likely to develop serious depression, as well as stress-related health problems. Here’s what you should know.

Many women become depressed after giving birth, even if everything else is fine. But if you’re in a troubled romantic relationship, your health may suffer more than you might guess.

In a small study, 78 women in their third trimester answered questions about the health of their relationship with their partner. At five more check ins, spread out into the first year after birth, they were evaluated for depression. They also took a test of their heart rate variability (HRV), a marker for overall health that is linked to depression.

During pregnancy, HRV naturally drops, but it rises a month or so after birth. Women who had more troubled relationships had lower HRV scores (higher is healthier), especially at four and eight months after birth. They also had more severe symptoms of depression.

"The quality of relationship with one's spouse considerably affects one's mental health as well as biological health and physiology," said Lisa Christian, an associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral health at Ohio State University and a co-author of the study.

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What is HRV?

HRV is a measure of the variation in gaps between heartbeats, which are controlled by the autonomic nervous system.

The brain constantly sends signals through the autonomic nervous system to the rest of the body, instructing certain functions to relax or get active. If you’re basically healthy and relaxed, the variation between heartbeats is high. You can switch gears to deal with a problem and quickly settle down. You also may be more fit.

If you are stressed out — for example, by a bad relationship — your response will be stuck in red alert mode. Your heart rate is less flexible. That’s a sign that you could be at risk for other health problems linked to stress, including heart disease, obesity, diabetes, and Alzheimer's disease.

How do you measure your HRV?

The best way is through an electrocardiogram, but there are smartphone apps you can try. You could buy a chest strap heart monitor and use a free app to analyze the data. There are also devices that measure your pulse through your wrist or fingers. You could check your HRV when you wake up in the morning and track changes over time.

How do you know if your relationship is affecting your health?

A big loud signal: You are unhappy.

No relationship stays at a romantic high all the time, but it’s also easy to ignore obvious danger signs. Getting out of a relationship is stressful, especially when you have a baby together.

Here are 51 signs of a bad relationship. Some of the top clues:

• You don’t turn to each other for support.
• You can’t think of any positive ways you’ve influenced each other (but can think of bad habits you picked up like heavy drinking or smoking).
• You’re always on the edge of breaking up.
• You can’t say “No” just once but have to repeat it over and over or give in.
• Your partner criticizes your body.
• Your partner isn’t excited about your successes.
• You catch your partner lying repeatedly.
• You’re rarely affectionate.

If you’re unhappy but don’t have some of those clear problems, you may need to work on how you communicate. Research suggests that four behaviors kill relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism tends to have the words “always” or “never” (absolutes). You can complain, “I wish you would call me when you’re going to be late.” Criticism is when you say: “You never think about how your behavior affects other people.”

Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism. Stonewalling, when you or your partner withdraw and stop responding, is often a response to contempt. Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divisiveness, according to the famous marriage counsellors, John and Julie Gottman. Contempt is often expressed in body language. You roll your eyes, raise your eyebrows, or wrinkle your nose. If your partner says, “You are pathetic,” the relationship is in serious trouble.

Once you have children, your health and the health of your partnership affect them as well. So, it’s important to be honest about your unhappiness and seek help.

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