How to Be a Successful Single Parent

Raising children as a couple isn't easy; being a single parent can be even harder. Here's what single parents should know about making it work and thriving.

Just because you’re single, your child doesn’t have to be a wreck. You don’t have to be, either.

The key is whether you’ve planned to have your child. Bearing and raising a child when you’re young, still in school, and short of cash is rough, even if you have a partner. If you’re well set up, the picture is entirely different.

Around a quarter of American children live with one parent. About 15 million children live with a single mom. Another 3 million live with a single dad.

Those numbers, although down from 2012, are a big increase from 8,200 in 1970

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More children live with a single parent in the United States than in any other country in the world. For comparison, only 15 percent of Canadian children live with one parent.  

Most births to American unwed mothers under the age of 30 are unplanned and unwanted, the result of pregnancies that were not aborted for religious reasons or because abortion was hard to arrange, notes Isabel Sawhill, PhD, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution. Countries that make IUD contraceptive easily available have far fewer of such births.

Divorce leads to separate households. But divorce has declined, along with marriage rates.

About 70 percent of fathers who don’t live with their children are informally and voluntarily involved with them. Most of the rest have court-ordered child support payment plans, Sawhill observes. They may not make all their payments, but the norm is for men to care about their child.  

Children in single-parent households tend to be poor, largely because their mothers and fathers have less education and job stability, and those children suffer, says Melissa Kearney, PhD, an economics professor at the University of Maryland and author of “The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind.”

You can be a happy single parent

If you’re a single parent, you don’t necessarily see yourself as a victim. Especially if you have enough help and resources, you can enjoy a close relationship with your child. You can appreciate the little things in life, your time together.

A Single mom by choice, Sarah Kowalski, a fertility doula and life coach for women like her, reports that she often hears women saying they wish they had children sooner. The big questions are about finances and choosing a sperm donor. "I love being a single mom and wish it was a first choice and not a last resort — that's how happy I am with it," she says.

“If it's something you want, don't let your relationship status stop you," says Gwen Clark, a Denver resident and 34-year-old single mom by choice to her four-month-old daughter, Harper.

Like all parents, you’ll have to be organized and resourceful. Parents need to arrange support and navigate career choices and financial worries.

With an extra set of hands at home and a second income, that’s easier. But a partner who adds stresses to the mix — such as lack of income, cooperation, or compatibility — could be worse.

If you’re older, such as in your 40s, you have some advantages. According to one study, older mothers are less likely to punish and scold their children, and their children flourish because of their mothers’ greater flexibility and tolerance.

Tips for single parents

Maintain a budget

Chris, a mom of one from Massachusetts, sets aside time every Sunday once a month. “I don’t always feel like doing it, but I just make myself,” she says. “This has helped me more than anything.”

Try using Excel or Google sheets for your budget. An app like Mint can link to your bank and credit cards to keep you current.

Put your bills on autopay

You can’t afford to miss a payment, which could hurt your credit rating. Automatic payments take away that worry and will keep you honest when you’re inclined to over-estimate your room for spending.

Take advantage of tax breaks and government programs

Educate yourself about tax breaks like the Child Tax Credit and the Childcare Tax Credit. Make sure your accountant helps seek options for you.

If money is tight, look into the several government programs and grants available for single parents.

• Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (or SNAP) is a government-run program aimed at providing food-buying assistance to low-income families and single mothers.
• The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (or WIC) provides state and federal grants to eligible moms who need supplemental food, healthcare referrals, and nutritional guidance.
• Single mother grants for those who qualify.

Say “no”

Your kids can’t have everything they want. No one’s kids can. Don’t feel guilty and indulge them because there’s only one adult at home.

You’ll also need to turn down work you simply can’t handle and demands from family and friends. Your child should be your priority.

Find other single parents

Single parents can help each other; some even decide to be roommates. Organizations can help you find compatible house-sharing arrangements.

“There is absolutely no guilt in asking another single mom for help watching your kids now and then because she knows the struggle,” says Pauline, a mother of two in Wisconsin. “She also knows I’ll do the same for her when she needs it. I’m really shy, so it took me forever, but my whole life changed when I got close to two other single moms. We cover each other’s back, always, no questions asked.”

If you decide to date, having other parents who can your child for the night gives you flexibility. If you find a regular partner, or just regularly need the whole night off duty, you can set up a schedule. The kids will think the sleepovers are for their benefit.

The same goes for carpooling rides to school and sports practice or ballet class. Your kids will enjoy time with their friends.

Look for Facebook or Meetup.com groups for single parents and sites like Nextdoor.com to help you find a neighbor with a spare bike to give away.

Rely on close family members, neighbors, and friends

It helps if grandparents and aunts and uncles are on board. But don’t forget about neighbors and friends. They might have grown children, or they might have missed out on parenthood and have time to give. Many will feel lucky to be able to build a relationship with a child. Some people will just take a shine to your charming child.

You may be surprised by the help you find in unexpected places.

Get organized

Kids like consistency, and so will you, once you get used to it. A daily routine, with established bed, wake, and mealtimes, will help all of you stay stable. In the morning, if your kids know what to expect, they’re more likely to dress themselves on time and get their lunch out of the refrigerator.

Kids may even like specific menus for days of the week, which will help you shop and make sure they get a variety of plant foods (a big plus for their health).

Try to establish a routine of cooking meals in advance to stock up your freezer. Sites like Skinnytaste, Tastes Better From Scratch, and The Kitchn post healthy weekly meal plans for families.

You could also try meal kits.

A routine can include chores for older kids that will help them feel needed and respected. Your life is responsible and full; let them follow your example.

Use online tools to keep track of everything

With several people to track, you will benefit from shareable online tools like calendars that allow you and your older children to post appointments. Your kids will see tasks, events, and lists as you update them.

Make time for yourself

It’s okay. See your friends. Go to a spa or get a pedicure. Read a book at the library. Go to the gym or for a walk. Hire a babysitter or ask your mother to help. You need to stay happy, too.

You can even date. Plan and look for partners who like kids.

Accept that you can’t do it all

You may always feel you’re missing an important chore. Let it go.

“Accept that you can’t do it all, plain and simple,” says Claire F., a single mom of two in New Jersey. “But even in knowing that, keep in mind there will be rough times when you want to scream and you doubt yourself. However, in those times, when you do what you can, you’re showing your kids strength and teaching them how to persevere. Also, those times always pass.”

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